Pushing Forward

 

For some reason, today I was thinking about my 21st birthday.  The memory is vivid, like most of my memories, because I can remember the feeling on that day.

My big sister was taking me to what would be my first & last time to Club U to see Maiesha & The Hip Huggers'.  Not sure if you can see, but in this picture we have on the same shoes. ☺️ I picked out my outfit well before this day, and I was so pressed to wear this shirt.  My hair was in crochet braids, and my Timberland watch was a gift from some guy I met at another club I went to with my sister to see Juvenile.  

I remember that the pants I have on in this picture split on the way to pick up her friend, Tennille.  I didn't have another choice, so I sewed that split up, and we had a ball.  I look at this picture now, and I think I look so pretty, but I remember back then, all I saw was how fat my arms were and how big my fupa was and how my fat rolls on the side still showed, although I thought I picked the best shirt to hide all my mid-section imperfections.  That day, I did not think I looked pretty or cute; I just wanted to go out and have a good time with my sister and a few friends, and that is what I did.

Now?

Now, I still see all the imperfections, but I wish I understood that I am so much more than my size and shape.  My ability to dance and move all while wearing heels impresses me the most about this time in my life.  The way I walk in heels now is HORRIFIC!🥴🤣😂🤣 

Anyway, this picture reminds me that I have always been very critical of my size.  I have always judged myself through the lens of other people's eyes and judged myself by others' standards of what was beautiful.  The effort that I am currently putting forth to break this mindset is great.💪🏾 (Shoutout to my life coach & trainer!💕)

My spirit is happy that my mind is allowing my body to take a journey that I have attempted so many times that I can no longer count the attempts.  This time is different though.  This is NOT an attempt. This is hard work, harder than anything I have ever done before.  I am not only meeting versions of myself for the first time, I am actively dismantling parts of myself that were created out of fear in hopes that they would protect me.

For the first time ever, I am changing in ways I never fathomed, and it isn't easy.  Some days I am ready and up for the challenge. On what feels like most days, I am crying and just trying to survive the next hour.  

On either day, I don't give up.🙏🏾  I keep pushing forward, and I look forward to the results of the consistent work I have been doing to become a well-balanced person inside and out.