Day 108 of 110 | The First 48 lbs.

 

No, I will not make the goal of losing the first 48 lbs. in 110 days.  

More in the range of 4 - 8 pounds. 😞

The plan was well thought out and was well executed when I first began and then I fell off in the midst of managing life.  Not one excuse but I am taking accountability and recognizing where I continue to go wrong so I can make it right moving forward.

One thing I learned or probably more like accepted is, that I am an emotional eater.  Admitting it to myself was one thing but watching the words as I type them makes me want to scream.

I am one of the most organized people I know.  I thrive in spaces where I know where everything is and I like everything to have a space or place so to FINALLY accept that I am not organized when it comes to handling my emotions irritates me.  However, if you know me you know that I also find humor in this.  I can't help but laugh because this is so inconsiderate to me and I know better.  

To be driven by emotion when it comes to eating is something I picked up so early in life that it just became normal and older me is now helping to change little me's mind about so many things. 

My Great Grandmother & I 

And you know what I just remembered? 

Literally at this very moment, it clicked that my former supervisor from over a decade ago gave me a little book from OA, Overeaters Anonyms. Even then it never dawned on me that she may have recognized that I have an issue.  I just took the book and read it every day before I started my work day.  I enjoyed the daily motivational words. LLS  

It's not funny but I still see the humor in it because I am so literal.  If you are "trying" to tell me something, I will not catch on.  You have to tell me because my mind has other things to think about and attempting to "see what you are saying" when you could just say that shit 🤷... My mind has other things to do and figuring other what grown people are "trying" to say is not how I like to spend my time.

However, if it comes up on a day that I set aside for reflection I just might figure it out.  Like now and the OA book... I have to find that book and show you all because it was a really helpful book back then and can serve a greater purpose now. 
Especially now that I have accepted that I emotionally eat.

So, what has happened since my last post on October 1st?  

    Well, I had oral surgery which resulted in me getting stitches on my gums.  This was great for weight loss but NOTHING else!  I couldn't work because I am required to speak for work, nor could I eat solids for close to two weeks which I really enjoyed because my husband made me smoothies and homemade soup.  

But the pain?!  I was in so much pain and my lips and face were so swollen.  I was mostly back to myself by the 16th of October.  
By the 24th, which was our 16th Wedding Anniversary, I completely abandoned the First 48 plan.  I was LIVING and eating - SMH.  Don't get me wrong, I was having a GREAT time, most of the time, but I think for the first time in my life, I noticed what I was doing while doing it.  I was mindlessly overeating and celebrating.  What most people call "happy weight", I am overflowing with happy weight. 😏

And grief weight, worry weight, disappointed weight, forgiveness weight, gratitude weight, joy  weight... Any emotion/feeling you can think of, I have pounds to show how much I felt it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly all sitting on me for all to see.  Nothing more transparent than that.

Finally, I recognized that I was hungry but I'm never starving.  I could eat a little to sustain myself when my body signals that it is hungry, just enough to not get a headache or feel drained of energy but I never felt like I needed to refuel and I was refueling.  

It's like needing a quarter of gas but filling up your tank instead.  That will spill over.  I am spilling over. ◎

So on day 108, I may be wiser, prayerfully not wider , but definitely I am not lighter.  I will do my final weigh-in on day 110 but in true "Me" fashion, I have already laid out the next plan to conquer The First 48 lbs and I will not be easy on myself this time.

It is time for me to grow up and out of all bad habits that restrict me from living to my fullest capacity.  There are so many things that I have yet to do because I accepted that little fat girls should not do them. 

    That little fat girl carried that as a teen, a young woman and now a grown woman, and as a grown woman, I don't want the little girl I once was to think like that. 

A lot of things about me, I am out of defiance.  

Not because I want to be that way but along the way, someone said I could not so I wanted to prove that not only COULD I, but I would do so boldly and I have.
Everything people said I could not accomplish being fat, I have.  There is nothing I want that I do not have.  There is nothing that I need, I am not able to provide for myself.  I am not a victim of any circumstance despite my waist size and while it feels good to prove all the people wrong who thought that being fat would make me lazy, it hasn't.  But my knees and back do hurt though, LOL!
I can't stop my humor...😁

Anyway, I have outgrown the desire to prove anyone right or wrong.  

I have grown into the woman I have always wanted to be and I want the best for myself.  

I want to provide the best care for myself in all areas.  From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I want to thank the Creator for blessing me with this body and the ability to mold it.

• My spirit is so right.  
• My soul is so pure and thrives in kindness and love.  
• My boundaries are intact and I feel like now is the perfect time to become my full self.  
• I feel safe and well-protected by all the people I've been blessed with, especially myself.  
• I love myself enough to do ALL the things that I need to do so I can be the best vessel.

This is not about anyone else but me.  Being better to myself and taking control of my emotions, allowing my feelings to help me on my path and not control my direction.  I can only serve one and that can't be food or my emotions.

I say all that to say, the journey is continuing and I wish me luck!   Plus, I really want to see what I look like, in complete alignment 😉

Sunday, October 27, 2024 on the BEST DATE EVER💓